This is a another article I wrote for Connector Magazine in response to a reader query. It resonated with alot of females...
I have a friend who completely drains me of all my energy- I almost feel like I am getting the flu after I spend time with her. She constantly complains, and is very cynical and judgmental of people who are doing well. Although I try to support her through her own issues, she never seems to want to help herself either. What should I do?
I suppose the first question to ask yourself is whether this person is truly your 'friend'? What benefits does she receive from you being in your life? Does she give anything positive back to you? What is it about her that makes you think you need to sacrifice all your positive energy only to have it drained by her? I know that a sense of guilt may provide you with many seemingly rational reasons (for example, you have known each other a long time and shared many things together; or she may have some valid difficulties- sickness or recent divorce). But you also mentioned in your email that sometimes she even berates you for trying to be positive, and tells you that you are naive for being optimistic! In this case, the weight of her on your shoulders may be a function of her personality- if she has always been this way then it will take a lot of work for her to change. And she will have to want to change at that!
So, this is a very tumultuous situation indeed. I am sure you feel torn between wanting to help her, and wanting to pull your hair out at her resistance! Your friend appears to be extremely scared of the situations she is facing and is either in denial, or she is paralyzed by the fear of change itself, and is simply comfortable with what she knows and perceives to be right (e.g., I've always been this way; the world is a bad place; you can't trust anyone; life will always deal you a bad hand; people who have good lives are lucky or undeserving). Ironically, some people think this mentality protects them as such, yet we often tend to remain static in this mindset- or stagnant as the case may be- because we are scared of changing, and simply because it means feeling uncomfortable in the interim. People also tend to put on fronts which they believe will keep them strong and safe from potential threat, and which would appear to show them as being strong to others-ie- being able to judge or criticize others (really to elevate their self esteem); and being self-righteous (really as an excuse to remain the same). But this leads to pervasive unhappiness, jealousy, and simmering resentment.
As her friend, I would not tell you directly to wipe her out of your life, but you must carefully consider how much of your energy is being drained by her, and how much longer you are willing to put up with her attitude and behaviour. Unless people are truly compromised or prevented from helping themselves or implementing change (for example, through chronic health issues or significant financial problems) then there is little reason for you to keep giving so much, with so little in return. Because that is exactly what this 'friendship' is about- you are simply 'putting up with her'- and friendships are generally two-way! Furthermore, you are also bound by guilt of some previous good times that you spent together (even though the negative times far outweigh them), and no doubt you will feel angry, frustrated, despairing, and even hopeless at times trying to help her.
For sure, we know that people don't always want or need our advice- for example, some people do simply need to vent their frustrations and anxiety- but if the course is unrelenting, and toxic (which it is, when she is putting down others; talking over you; and not appreciating any aspect of your help), then I am not sure she is being a true friend. Therefore, for your own piece of mind (and simply because often we feel a sense of obligation to help others in need), yes, you can still choose to listen and to try to support her, but unless she is willing to change, be prepared that this could be an infinitely long process. Sadly, it may take a lot of your efforts to get her to start doing the things which may be in her best interest. In this case, you also have to consider the impact of your own feelings towards her. Do you feel angry that she doesn't appear to listen to you? Do you get frustrated or hurt because she never takes any of your advice? Do you find yourself feeling impatient and needing to take yet another deep breath as she hurls her negativity around? Where do all these emotions go in you? No wonder you feel like you are getting sick also.
If you think you can handle spending time with her, then limit your time, and have boundaries for what you will and will not accept from her. We don't want you getting sick through having stored up unresolved grievances at all her comments, or through not having an outlet for the tension and anxiety that she causes you- your immune system is very responsive to the messages your mind sends it. Given that it was Breast Cancer Awareness Month recently, then it is a very pertinent time to choose to have things in your life which make you healthy and happy- because this boosts your immunity- so keep that optimistic streak! Indeed, you may also feel that the friendship is more and more unacceptable over time, and that the friendship just starts to fade naturally. But, rest assured, until this moment in time, you have certainly given it a good shot and been a true friend- so you must be kind to yourself now, take a look at your own needs, and let go of the restrictive guilt. You also need to be honest with her. Tell her directly that you feel frustrated that you have not been able to help her and that you want to see her feel better. This may open the way for her to consider professional help (which in reality would be the best option in terms of addressing her belief systems and providing appropriate coping strategies), or at least for the both of you to start doing completely different or exciting things together which may enlighten her, or show her that the world is not such a negative place. All the very best!